Halloween is almost upon us, kiddies. Tomorrow, the ghouls and goblins come out to play, and the spirits of the dead walk among us. But first, before All Hallows’ Eve comes to pass, we must first survive Devils Night. So, for the approval of all you hellions out there, This Guy gives you the granddaddy of them all. The godfather of terror, the Morning Star, the talking serpent, the source of all evil, God’s ex-favourite son, the Devil himself…

 

5. Satan (Peter Stormare, “Constantine”)

This Guy wouldn’t call this Devil a ‘smooth operator’. Indeed, Satan is a rather anxious looking fellow. Donning a brilliant white suit and tar-soaked feet and some serious ink up his neck and arms, he comes to Earth sweating, snorting, twitching, looking like he just did a line of coke. Regardless, he’s creepy as all Hell, and manages to stop time and burn the wings off an archangel without even lifting a finger. He’s no lightweight. His one and only goal in this eternity? To eventually prove that all humans belong in Hell, and collect their souls so he can laugh in God’s face about it.

 

4. Daryl Van Horne (Jack Nicholson, “The Witches of Eastwick”)

This dude’s just your average, horny little devil. He blows into town and buys up the most expensive mansion he can find, and immediately goes to work seducing a trio of repressed witches. He’s cool, cultured, philosophical, and a bit chauvinistic. But he knows how to push any woman’s buttons. He may not be casting hellfire down from the skies or shackling the wicked in chains of ice, but he embodies one of the Ol’ Nick’s greatest attributes: temptation.

 

3. Darkness (Tim Curry, “Legend”)

Now here is a Devil we can recognize on sight. Avoid the man-bull with the 4-foot horns. The Lord of Darkness is as his name suggests; he rules over the shadows and all those who dwell there. In his spare time he slaughters unicorns and seduces young princesses with his wily charms. He’s a big guy with a big ego, but also a big heart. He’s just looking for love in all the wrong places; that’s all. Oh, and he’s absolutely terrifying. His voice will freeze your blood, and when he charges at you, you’ll find yourself wishing you were facing just an angry bull.

 

2. Lucifer (Viggo Mortensen, “The Prophecy”)

This Guy’s pretty sure this one wins on the creepiness scale. Aside from perching like a crow and toting around a wee little ghoul with him, this Devil’s defining characteristic is his complete apathy toward mankind. He doesn’t want to corrupt the world. He just wants to tend to his Hell and all who come there, either by sin, or by choice. He’s smart, calculated, and strangely helpful when there’s something to be gained for him. He also eats the hearts of his enemies (including his fellow angels). So, you know, that’s cool.

 

1. John Milton (Al Pacino, “The Devil’s Advocate”)

John Milton, of Milton, Chadwick & Waters law firm in New York is a man to be reckoned with. In the legal world he’s a powerhouse. But he’s so much more than that. Arms dealing in Kinshasa, chemical weapons and toxic waste in Berlin, money laundering in Moscow. Milton is plugged into everything. This Devil is more than just a fallen angel, more than a hateful demon, he’s… he’s just so human. He eats, sleeps, drinks, screws (frequently and quite well, we’re told), and loves. He loves his son and wants him to have front row seats to the ‘title fight’ that will be the coming apocalypse. Much more low key than our other entrants, “he’s the hand up Mona Lisa’s skirt. He’s a surprise. They don’t see him coming.”