DC’s having a rough couple of years. It’s hard to imagine, right? More than half a century featuring the most iconic heroes of all time. A slew of wonderful animated shows. And a history of Oscar-nominated films. Then Christopher Nolan decided to move on with his life and suddenly everything goes to shit. It’s become a sick joke. Man Of Steel barely whelmed us. Batman v Superman was a hot mess. Suicide Squad was a full frontal assault of awful. Wonder Woman comes along and shines like the beacon of hope Superman was MEANT to be. And then it’s snatched away, and we’re right back to the scrap heap with Justice League. It’s like a Greek tragedy.

“They say you talk to fish.”

Almost a year after Superman’s (Henry Cavill) death, Batman (Ben Affleck) is tracking an increasing number of alien scouts appearing on Earth. Wonder Woman (Gal Gadot) soon heeds a terrible distress call from her people. Batman and Diana soon recruit the young Flash (Ezra Miller), Aquaman (Jason Momoa), and Cyborg (Ray Fisher). The aliens’ commander, Steppenwolf (Ciaran Hinds), a ten foot tall video game character, arrives to loot the great cities of their Mother Boxes, glowing cubes of intense power, capable of reshaping the planets themselves. Even though half the team doesn’t want to be there, the Justice League is formed! It’s the plot of Man Of Steel with a touch of Thor 2, and a heaping, jumbled dose of The Avengers thrown into a blender, and then splashed on the wall.

There are decent, enjoyable things about Justice League. They’re hard to see between the bad CGI, and the insane levels of exposition and pseudo philosophical dick measuring. The cast is pretty damn spot on for what they’re going for. Gadot was terrific again, as expected. Affleck remains the best Batman to date. We could’ve used a bit more of the visceral, ruthlessness of his BvS performance though. This Guy gets it; Warner Bros wanted to lighten it up a bit, and that makes sense after the shitty reception they’ve been getting. Miller’s Flash was spot on. He plays the scared young kid, just trying to make friends who are weird like him, and not quite getting the whole hero bit yet. He’s responsible for the two best laughs in the movie, and one of the more epic moments, all involving Superman.

Cavill seems to have finally fallen into the classic happy go lucky hero in the sky he should be. Fisher’s Cyborg  was also on point. Not too much, not too little. His CGI-heavy appearance was spotty, and needs polishing before his next outing, but he’s a solid addition. Jason Momoa was surprisingly not annoying. Aquaman was definitely the weak link though, but it’s not his fault. The entire climax takes place in a landlocked wasteland. We don’t get a single decent showcase of his powers in the whole flick. What the shit?

“It’s like a cave. . . Like a BAT cave!”

The biggest trait Justice League shares with Marvel is twofold: the entire flick is one long CGI fuck-a-thon, and the villain is played by a tremendous actor given shitty, bland, forgettable material to work with. Steppenwolf’s appearance seems to have been taken less from the comics, and more from some half-forgotten RPG cutscene. If they had to go full CGI, and had to spend weeks and dollars on re-shoots, polish. Your fucking. Product! The film’s CGI is shoddy throughout, from the flashback battles, to the aerial combat of the climax. It’s all just so subpar. Pairing it with the fact that the movie is just ugly to look at, and it’s not a good time. Seriously, the flick is an actual eyesore. Everything is either grey or brown, and the final fight might as well be on Mars. And this unpleasant smearing of everything spills over to the writing too. The whole thing just plays out like a series of unfortunate events. No development, no rhyme or reason. Just Point A, Point B, and a horrid rush to get from one to the other.

In true superhero fashion, the movie doesn’t end with the credits, and you’re forced to wait for TWO stingers, one of which was actually kind of fun, and one that was a mixed bag. Great tease, coupled with an unfortunate return. When it’s finally all over, Justice League isn’t the worst thing DC has put out; that still goes to Suicide Squad. But it’s still just so blah. There’s no nuance or originality to be found here. Just a jumbled mess of a film that is much less than the sum of its parts.

“Boo-yah.”

This Guy has given DC every chance. But enough is enough. You’re not Marvel. You’re not gonna be Marvel. And you can’t even decide if you’re trying to be, or just can’t help yourselves. There ARE things to like here, but the writers, producers, and director have no clue how to cohesively bring them together into anything remotely meaningful or, god forbid, fun. The story has been joyless since Man Of Steel, and the few times that Joss Whedon peaks his head into the writers’ room and tries to bring some levity, it’s either ridiculously fleeting or falls entirely flat. WB has all the ingredients of a great franchise. They have the cast, and the money, but they seem to be under the impression that they don’t have that most crucial piece: time. They need to be patient, put time and effort into their scripts, and find a more suitable director if DC is ever going to have any chance of jumping off the page and hanging with the big boys on screen.

This Guy Scores: 5/10