This Guy had a perfectly happy childhood. But, this lovely rose coloured reminiscing can sadly be… well, rose coloured, I guess. Nostalgia is a powerful thing, and it can shift, shape, and cloud even the most wholesome of memories. As you can guess, This Guy grew up with a lot of time on his hands. Battling goombas and mushrooms by day, staying up late to watch Tales From The Crypt, then watching 3 Ninjas for the umpteenth time. Who could complain, right? But, when you go back and revisit these childhood glory days as an adult, you pick up on a lot of things you might not have caught as a kid. Things you might even wish you could then forget. Why ruin a perfectly good childhood?

Well, if you’re masochistic, like This Guy, read on, and check out these 5 childhood favourites that are WAY darker than you remember!

 

5. The Secret Of NIMH

Everyone loves The Secret Of NIMH. Don Bluth’s classic about a cute little mouse, Mrs. Brisby, who runs around in a cute little cape, climbing trees, ducking in holes, and palling around with her jewel-crazy friend Jeremy the Crow. But do you remember the murderous cat, Dragon, who killed and devoured Mr. Brisby? Remember the terrible experiments the rats had to escape from? What about Jenner, who conspires and murders a defenseless old wise man/rat by CRUSHING him, before getting knifed in the back himself? Of all the animated films about super intelligent rats with magic amulets, this is definitely the darkest. Watership Down scarred less kids than this one.

 

4. Drop Dead Fred

This Guy grew up with a very regular dose of Drop Dead Fred. It’s a terrific coming of age tale about a troubled young woman who gets a visit from her childhood imaginary friend in order to help work through her emotional problems. What could go wrong?

Well, with Fred, a fuck ton. Any adult who revisits this flick might notice that Fred is pretty goddamn obscene. He spreads shit everywhere. He tries multiple times to smash birds with a shovel. He gets his only friend’s dad arrested for assaulting a cop. Here he is looking up a woman’s skirt. He does this a couple times. Then, he tries to watch his friend have sex with her husband, and then encourages her to slit his throat. All of this of course before harassing her to stop taking her meds, so she can lose herself in her own psychosis. This is a film marketed to kids mind you. Speaking of the husband, this is where it gets proper creepy. This is a grown ass man, who manipulates, and takes advantage of a troubled young woman, who he KNOWS is on medication for actual psychotic episodes, while cheating on her with Bridget fucking Fonda. But hey, I guess all this does kind of get lost in all the fart jokes and mud pies.

 

3. An American Tail: Fievel Goes West

An American Tail, from Don Bluth, already dealt with a family of Ukrainian-Jewish mice (seriously, again with the mice) escaping persecution in Russia by emigrating to America. It’s your basic American Dream setup. But, the sequel is when things get real uncomfortable real quick.

Fievel Goes West finds our lovable little city mouse heading West to meet up with his family at a seemingly Utopian frontier town run by cats, as a paradise for them to live peacefully with mice. Sounds great, right? Nothing suspicious here, yes? Wrong. Cat R. Waul (voiced masterfully by John Cleese) has a certain plan for his newfound guests. Once all the mice are gathered together in one place, totally unassuming, thinking they’re safe, he plans to set off a giant trap meant to murder them all at once, in front of a crowd of hungry cats.

A disturbing and permanent solution to Cat’s mouse problem, yes? A fitting “final solution,” you might say, knowingly and without irony.

 

2. Sixteen Candles

John Hughes and 80s teen flicks are pretty much synonymous, even 30 years later. “Oh, I love Ferris Bueller!” you say. “The Breakfast Club totally speaks to me.” “Pretty In Pink is also a movie I’ve heard of.” Well, if any of these statements sound familiar, you’re probably familiar with Sixteen Candles. It’s got all your basic 80s hijinks. Nerds trying to score, foreign exchange students getting drunk and dishonouring their heritage, etc. “It was the 80s,” we say. “This was the norm.” Sure. Maybe. But what about Farmer Ted?

A movie about a teen girl upset that her family forgot her birthday has a rather… suddenly racy climax. Farmer Ted, an aggressive geek who thinks he’s a ladies man lets Jake know Sam has feelings for him. So, naturally Jake waits for his girlfriend to sober up, breaks it off with her gently, and pursues a relationship with Sam after an appropriate, respectable period of time.

I’m just kidding. Jake puts his blackout drunk girlfriend into a car with Ted, encourages the predatory virgin to take her home, saying, and This Guy’s quoting here: “She’s so blitzed she won’t know the difference.” Ted proceeds to photograph the barely conscious woman with his friends, before parking with her for the night. The rest is pretty hazy, but she ends up assuming they had great sex. So… everyone wins?

 

1. Little Monsters

This one’s just sad. This Guy must’ve watched this movie three dozen times as a kid. He knew the script verbatim. It’s got everything a growing kid wants in a movie. Childish pranks, a magical best friend, naughty jokes, Fred Savage; the works! The story is about a boy who meets the monster under his bed, and is pulled into a world of endless fun, excitement, and general raucousness. Until things go south when the big boss monster, Boy, decides that Brian belongs to him. Let that concept just marinade on you for a second; “belongs to him.”

Put aside nostalgia, and let’s look at this movie objectively. Little Fred Savage is lured into a secret dark world, by a grown man in a creepy disguise. He is spoiled, encouraged to commit hurtful deeds on other children, and even asked to bring other kids down with him. When Brian decides he’s had enough of this weird fucking place, he’s coaxed, taunted, and harassed. He sees the real danger when the monsters decide to assault a fucking BABY in its crib. Boy then kidnaps Savage’s little brother, sticks him in a box, DRUGS him, and blackmails Savage to stay in their world and, “be my pal.” It should be noted that Boy is a grown man in a schoolboy uniform, who literally has a human mask over a grotesque face. Kids aren’t supposed to tell their parents about this secret world of childish monsters. And the monsters can only be defeated by “shining a light” on their activities. Do you see where this is going? If not, check out this actual clip from the film between a young kid, and Boy’s thug, Snik:

SNIK: Boy gets what he wants. He asks you for a favour, you should take it as a compliment.

ARNOLD: I tried, Snik. You gotta believe me!

SNIK: Oh you tried, did you Arnold? Well you didn’t try hard enough!

ARNOLD: My knees, they hurt!

SNIK: Oh your knees hurt? Well that’s not the only thing that’s gonna hurt…

Jesus Christ, guys, this kid needs an adult!