Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight!

Man is a primitive beast. You can’t really deny it; it’s inside all of us, even This Guy. When the smell of blood is in the air… the scent of sweat and anger all boiling over into a cathartic act of physical aggression. The struggle for dominance, the yearning for pride in one’s own prowess. When a fight just becomes inevitable and for whatever reason something just has to get hit. We love it. Someone wins. Someone loses. Wise men say violence never solves anything? Well, here’s five classic cinematic fist fights that seek to prove that violence is the only thing that solves any fucking problem permanently.

 

5. John McClane vs. Karl (Die Hard, 1988)

This one is good because it contains many great examples of people’s desire for one on one conflict. Karl, an enraged and vengeful German terrorist, has every reason to blow McClane’s brains out (McClane killed his brother earlier). But instead, he opts to throw down his gun and beat the living hell out of him. Why? Because it’ll hurt more, and it’ll feel better! These two go at it like a pair of rabid dogs. It’s a rage-fight, pure and simple. Nothing is off-limits, and every dirty trick is allowed.

 

4. Riggs vs. Mr. Joshua (Lethal Weapon, 1987)

This fight is more about pride and professional dominance. Riggs and Joshua are both ex-Spec Ops soldiers with something to prove to each other. At this point, Joshua is already in custody. But he’s not cuffed. He’s let loose for one round with the champ. Riggs mockingly asks “you want a shot at the title?” And they exercise every combat tactic they learned from their years at war. The two fight like professional killers. This isn’t about rage or hatred. It’s about proving that you’re better than the other guy. Because in the wake of the collapse of a massive drug trade riddled with homicides and kidnappings, THAT is what matters. Also, props to Riggs for utilizing a triangle choke about two decades before MMA became anything resembling mainstream.

 

3. Doug Glatt vs. Ross Rhea (Goon, 2011)

Much like Riggs and Joshua, this a a grudge match. These two are the best goons in the business, and in the last game of the season (and the last of Rhea’s career), all questions have to be answered. Who is the best? Old lion against young lion. For the most part this plays out like the greatest hockey fight you’ve ever witnessed. It gets a bit cheese toward the end with Doug’s busted ankle miraculously healing, allowing him to continue despite having his ass handed to him multiple times. But know this shit hard; this is a good ol’ fashioned slug-fest on the ice. And it’ll remind you why people will always forgive violence in our (Winter) national sport.

 

2. Tang Lung vs. Colt (Way Of The Dragon, 1972)

In the modern fight game, the idea of “superfights” has taken a strong hold, and done a good job of killing actual rankings and contenders. But back in the 1970s, if you wanted a superfight, you had to go to the silver screen to see your biggest heroes duke it out. Such is the case with Way Of The Dragon, the only time Bruce Lee went toe to toe with Chuck Norris. The two baddest men on the planet (at the time), no weapons, no interference. They meet, they step away, stretch, get a good sweat going. It’s just two masters of death deciding the better man at the Coliseum. The way it should be!

 

1. Nada vs. Frank (They Live, 1988)

This is a no-brainer. ‘Rowdy’ Roddy Piper and Keith David lay it all out in this one. It’s five minutes of two tough-as-shit men beating the hell out of each other. To put it in perspective, Piper and David agreed to just go at it, only pulling back on face punches (they had to be able to film after all). That’s hardcore. It all could’ve been avoided if Frank had just put on those wicked sunglasses. But hey, who the hell is Nada to tell him what to do? Frank is a man! Men don’t take orders! They hand out beatings! This fight is gritty, dirty (countless nutshots), and exhausting. In the end, one man stands, as it should be. This is violence at its peak. This is about chewing bubble gun and kicking ass… and they’re all out of bubble gum.