Now, This Guy might just be old fashioned, but when he thinks of vampires, he doesn’t immediately jump to ironically vintage cars, shittily written love triangles, and sparkly skin. Remember when vampires used to actually be kind of scary? They were monsters. They were bloodthirsty creatures of the night, and that was all there was to it. But, like the poor werewolf, and even the zombie now, vampires have been romanticized to death for the sake of tween consumption.

So, as we lurch ever closer to another Halloween, let’s take a few minutes to remember a few prime examples of what a vampire should be. First of all, they’re not romantic. They’re not a bunch of jackasses hopping around in rented formal wear, seducing everybody in sight with cheesy accents… Well, a couple are, but whatever.

 

Honourable Mention: Valek (Thomas Ian Griffith, Vampires)

This one almost made the cut. John Carpenter holds a special place in my heart. He made a ton of classics on his day, and Vampires is probably the last decent flick he made. It’s got a cool cast, good action, (mostly) slick dialogue, and a pretty badass take on vampires. You’ve got goons, and you’ve got Masters. Goons are your basic bloodsucking fiends, while Masters are old, powerful, and do not fuck around. The original Master, Valek, is the source of the disease, accidentally created by the church, and he’s about to execute a centuries-long plan to make him absolutely invincible. Of course he’s no match for James Woods with a crossbow, but before his fiery demise, he is scary, brutal, and has a pretty sweet fashion sense.

 

5. David (Kiefer Sutherland, The Lost Boys)

The 80s were a silly time. Punk wasn’t quite dead. Grunge wasn’t quite here. So it was still cool to headbang at an outdoor festival concert with a sweaty, muscled sax player gyrating his hips as though independent from his body. The Lost Boys is an old favourite of This Guy. He’s got a soft spot for tales of brothers leaning on each other through rougher times, like when one of you comes home a goddamn shit-sucking vampire!

Now, the “leader” of these teenage vamps of Santa Carla (murder capital of the world) is David. David is your typical 80s bad boy. And his gang seem like your typical ne’er-do-wells, but they fly through the night, eat surf nazis for breakfast, and have pretty cool vamp-outs (this movie coined the term later popularized on Buffy by the way). He rides a loud bike, he’s got an irresistible blonde mullet, and after knowing you only 5 minutes, he’ll invite you back to his sunken hotel and feed you Chinese food and wine. He’s a solid dude. Of course the wine is blood, the Chinese food might be insects, and he’ll slaughter you and everyone you know for the slightest offence. One wrong move, and you’ll be lost in the shadows.

 

4. Viago, Vladislav, and Deacon (Taika Waititi, Jemaine Clement, and Jonathan Brugh, What We Do In The Shadows)

Now, New Zealand is still silly. But they own it, and it’s terrific. What We Do In The Shadows is a mockumentary poking fun at all the classic vampire tropes. Vladislav is the classic Dracula type, all orgies and animal forms. Sometimes both at once. Deacon just wants to be the typical bad boy of the group, and Viago is the pragmatic, neurotic glue that holds them together. The three of them are the funniest trio of vampires to ever grace the screen. Whether it’s Deacon’s sexual dance performances, Vladislav tales of his battles with “the beast”, or Viago’s longing for his octogenarian ex, they are an absolute crack up. And when they meet software analyst, Stu, who connects them to the modern world, things get even better with vampire selfies, masquerade balls, and dark biddings on eBay.

 

3. Adam & Eve (Tom Hiddleston and Tilda Swinton, Only Lovers Left Alive)

Jim Jarmusch may be the original hipster, but his self-indulgent cynicism, and wacky taste in music can occasionally come together to make great things. Only Lovers Left Alive introduces us to former lovers Adam and Eve. Cutesy names, sure, but they are a hell of a couple. Adam has been living in Detroit, writing his music, while Eve is in Tangier, living a quiet life of books and contemplation. When Adam is feeling suicidal, he calls Eve  and the two reconnect, spending their nights cruising, playing chess, and lamenting the state of the world around them. They refuse to kill to feed, and instead get “the good stuff” from sympathetic doctors and confidantes. Of course, just like their desperation to be with each other, things can get ugly when supply gets low.

It’s a beautiful character study, of two ancient lovers who can only find solace with each other, despite their mutually destructive behaviour and polarizing views.

 

2. Marlow (Danny Huston, 30 Days Of Night)

Oh my, does This Guy love me some 30 Days of Night vamps. With Twilight approaching on the horizon, there were high hopes that this flick would remind people that vampires are MONSTERS. Animalistic, sadistic, grab-you-by-the-throat-and-tell-you-there’s-no-God MONSTERS! These prayers were answered (and quickly extinguished when Twilight became The Twilight Saga). Marlow and his brood sweep into town and wipe out almost the whole population within hours. Talk about efficient. At this point, they’re no longer ordinary vampires; they’re ‘death approaching’. And Marlow leads this clan with ruthlessness, charisma, and pure fucking power.

 

1. Prince Vlad (Gary Oldman, Bram Stoker’s Dracula)

Dracula is truly the king of bloodsuckers. Whether it’s Nosferatu, or Vlad the Impaler, Count D just embodies everything we think when we hear vampire. Following the footsteps of greats like Lugosi and Christopher Lee, Oldman brings an irresistible humanity to the classic character, making us truly feel for his heartbreak, and the loss of faith that followed. His take on Dracula allows us to look past the fangs, and the wings, and the ridiculous hair, and see the man. Of course, when he actually vamps out it is a horrifying sight and we’re reminded quickly why he is so feared, even to this day. When it comes right down to it, the Count just can’t be beat.