Jurassic Park is, and shall remain, a classic film. A true adventure, with memorable characters, ambitious ideas, amazing effects and production value. Yes, the name has been watered down multiple times with diminishing sequels. But the story of the scientists lost in a park, filled with rampant “dino DNA” is still unmatched. Jurassic World, however, continues to try and bring back that magic. To recapture lightning in a bottle and resurrect our sense of wonder at seeing a dinosaur. Unfortunately, the filmmakers in charge of the franchise seem to be without a sense of wonder, without self-reflection, or reason, and the franchise has truly lost its way. They’ve forced the series to trudge on, in a new, and already tired direction. They were so preoccupied with whether or not they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.

FULL SPOILERS AHEAD

Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom picks up three years after the fall of the park, the third time such an event has been allowed to happen so far. Claire (Bryce Dallas Howard), the former park manager of Jurassic World, is leading a humanitarian effort to save the surviving dinosaurs from Isla Nublar, which is now home to an active volcano. She and Owen Grady (Chris Pratt), the raptor behaviour specialist, are recruited by Benjamin Lockwood (James Cromwell) to lead an expedition to save as many species as possible. Of course this is a scam. Lockwood’s aide, Mills (Rafe Spall), means to sell the dinosaurs to the highest bidder to fund the creation of a new, deadlier hybrid. . . again. . . to then sell to the highest bidder. . . again.

I never thought I’d have to feel so awful over a Jurassic Park film. I liked The Lost World. 3 was kind of okay (“Alan!”). And Jurassic World, while no masterpiece, managed to yank a reluctant spike of nostalgia out of my cynical heart. Remember when Claire released the T-Rex, and it smashed through the bones of the stupid Spinosaurus, and it made you go “yeah!” And then the Raptor/Rex team-up made you go “fuck yeah!” Fallen Kingdom as a whole, is like the exact opposite of that feeling. I refuse to place the blame on the director. J.A. Bayona is a terrific filmmaker, and the movie has nothing if not a great look and interesting shots. The entire opening sequence, for example, is tremendous. It had me very hopeful for all of five minutes. No, the writers have dropped the ball on this one, multiple times in multiple ways. Until now, Jurassic Park 3 was the worst transgressor, for its ill-advised decision to kill off the T-Rex (the franchise’s true hero). The writers of Fallen Kingdom saw that and said, “hold my unfertilized ostrich egg.”

“Genetic power has been unleashed.”

My suspicions from the trailers were correct. The “rescue” from Isla Nublar is over and done with in the first 40 minutes of the film. The baddies show their hand, and immediately resort to attempted murder of our beloved ragtag team of good guy cliches. What follows, as our heroes sail to safety stowed away on the villains’ boat, is an extended shot of the dinosaurs left to die on the island, as they are enveloped in fire and lava. Because THAT is exactly what fans young and old of Jurassic Park signed on for. To watch all the dinosaurs die slow painful deaths, as they cry out to our thankfully safe heroes and their pet raptor. Some might celebrate a surprisingly dark turn in the series, but is that really ever what Jurassic Park was about? Think of it. Think of the chases, the dialogue, the glory shots, the music. The music! It was an adventure story. Not a dark tragedy.

The writers continue this tone deaf march to the end credits, as they occasionally shit on the series lore. We meet John Hammond’s previously UNSEEN AND UNHEARD OF partner, Lockwood. We learn how he and John started cloning dinosaurs in their basement. Because I guess Hammond was an actual scientist now, and not just a dreaming showman with money to burn. We get scenes of the moustache-twirling villain locking an inquisitive child in her room, followed by some light murder, and a literal auction of dangerous animals to such clientele as arms dealers, and Russian oligarchs. It’s painfully tired and lazy storytelling. And all the while, you’re just hoping for a glimmer of the iconic original score to snap you back to reality, but nope. They decided to fill the climax of the film (at a giant mansion on a stormy night) with ridiculous overly dramatic operatic pieces. Honest to god, I hate saying it, but I felt like I was watching a Transformers spin-off at times.

“We altered the natural order of things. This is a correction.”

Like the T-Rex? Too bad; he’s MIA most of the film. Blue the Raptor is your hero now! Dr. Grant? Ellie? Nope, just Chris Pratt being Chris Pratt (which is essentially Star Lord not in space). We do get a very hyped up cameo from Jeff Goldblum’s Dr. Malcolm, and he is probably the highlight of the film. But his entire role is just to spout off expositional nonsense, so we can act like the movie has thematic weight. In truth, his dialogue is not a fraction as well-written as in the original, and his personality is all but dead and buried. There’s no more wonder in the story. No sense of adventure or awe. It’s all just bland, by the numbers, action.

In the end, there is an audience that will love Jurassic World 2: Genetic Boogaloo. Some people want the franchise to go on forever, rehash old plots, and give us the “dark, gritty” story we apparently wanted in our Amblin Entertainment. But in the end, this film is not made in the spirit of the original. It offers no likeable characters, memorable dialogue, or thrilling scenes of adventure. It’s a bleak, uninspired mashup of old tropes, and new cliches. And it’s hard for This Guy to find any real redeeming qualities within. So, after careful consideration I’ve decided, not to endorse this movie.

This Guy Scores It: 3.5/10