*Everything beyond the first two paragraphs contains full season spoilers*

Seven years. It took seven years for Winter to come. But come it has. Winter has come for Westeros, and unless the gods are kind not a soul will see a dream of Spring. The Dragon Queen has landed. The White Wolf is gathering his pack. The Lions are still on the prowl. And the Dead, march south. You hyped? This Guy’s hyped!

Game Of Thrones decided to take it a little easier this year. Cut the fat, and just cruise through a mellow 7 episode season. . . What happened instead was 7 hours of nonstop fantastical insanity at a breakneck pace. Thousands of miles are traveled. Entire armies are slaughtered. Sworn enemies come face to face. And the first snowfall reaches King’s Landing. And now, we wait a possible TWO years before our thrilling conclusion. God, This Guy hates loving things!

So, what happened? What does it mean, and why? Who knows. But let’s talk anyway.

“Promise me, Ned…”

We open with Walder Frey (responsible for the Red Wedding that took Robb and Catelyn Stark) spouting nonsense and toasting his murderous soldiers. The soldiers choke, poisoned en masse. Oopsie daisy, it’s Arya in a skin mask, being her new creepy self. Terrific. She delivers some badass words to Frey’s surviving daughter (wife?), and walks out like a boss. Doesn’t that just grab you?

Now, what we can gather from this, is Arya has not only retained, but refined her Faceless Man skillset. And also, little girls with thick eyebrows will kill your family if you wrong them, even if they have to travel thousands of miles to do it. You are warned.

A few weeks go by, and eventually every surviving Stark is back at Winterfell, except Jon, but he’s not a Stark so he doesn’t count anyway; not here, and not at family dinners. Now, Arya is still a murderous revenge machine, with machinations up the yin yang. Bran is the always staring Three-Eyed Raven and he’ll tell everyone he sees. And Sansa, is just kind of still Sansa. So good for her on that. This reunion, years in the making does fall a bit flat, and the tighter episode schedule leads to much less exposition, but trust This Guy, it pays off eventually.

Now, the reason Big Picture Jon doesn’t get to play with his siblings, is that he has to teleport south to meet Dany, Westeros’ second Queen. They hit it off of course. She digs his black hair, refusal to bend over, and the way he pets her dragons (serious). He asks her for help mining White Walker killing rocks, and there you go; it’s all the setup you need to know exactly where they will end up eventually.

Cersei remains hellbent on staying in power, keeping Jaime in line with a convenient pregnancy. She launches a series of attacks that decimate Dany’s allies. Two episodes after reaching her homeland, Dany loses Dorne, the Iron Born, and the Unsullied’s fleet at the hands of Cersei’s new suitor, Euron, Jack Sparrow without the dreads. Okay, not really. He’s more. . . he’s like Patrick Bateman in leather pants. And while his ability to lead naval attacks on both sides of a continent in less than 20 minutes of screen time is silly, he is definitely one of the great new additions to the show, his role last season limited as it was.

“There’s only one war that matters; the great war, and it is here.”

While all these big players are pissing on each other’s lemon tarts, The Hound finds religion with Beric and Thoros. Tormund and the Wildlings take over minding the Wall. Davos retrieves Gendry (who, in total, rowed about 6 miles) from the same goddamn place he started. Sam suffers through the worst fucking internship at the Citadel, but ends up curing Jorah’s chapped existence by reading a book, and carving him up like a rotten pie. And while all of these threads may seem unrelated, and a tad rushed, trust in the Guy; This leads to the probably the single greatest team up of ragtag misfits since the Magnificent Seven. It’s like Suicide Squad if it didn’t suck (credit to /u/BrySighz of Reddit).

The penultimate episode of the season, “Beyond The Wall,” is at the same time one of the most engaging, impressive, and also sloppy of the series. Hundreds and thousands of miles are traveled in almost no time. Deus ex machinas pop up like horny gophers, but somehow, through it all, we get an all time classic. Great dialogue, badass action, and some of the best CGI in the show’s history. This being a shortened season, the usual 9th episode insanity had to be moved up to episode 6. So, we get all these wonderful things, about 400 gallons of blood, and an absolute fireball of an ending. Dany makes the save. Bad move. A single icy spear from the Night King causes a literal fireball to erupt in one of Dany’s dragons’ necks, and he plummets deep beneath the ice, his fire extinguished. He’s raised shortly thereafter, by the kind and generous Night King, now a blue eyed wight-dragon. #NightKingDidNothingWrong

This is the episode that leaked online 3 days early. This insane thrill ride was viewed by millions who then had to wait an extra half-week to see the follow up. Now, if anyone asks, This Guy is not one of those people. He is an upright, law abiding HBO customer, who properly worships his Hollywood overlords. You saw it; This Guy was with you the whole time.

“When Winter is over we’ll be the only ones left alive.”

Finales for Game Of Thrones can be a funny thing. They rarely measure up to their predecessors, and this year is no different. “The Dragon And The Wolf” is not the best episode of the season. That doesn’t mean it’s not fantastic, just not as mind blowing as some others.

We spend the first half of the episode watching both sides of the War for Westeros gather in the dragon pit for the main event. Cersei brings her entourage, Jon and Tyrion sit ringside, Dany makes a big unnecessary entrance on one of her two remaining dragons (a point not unnoticed by Cersei). All the big names come out for the Cleganebowl. Gregor the Mountain stands in his corner, the steadfast veteran. His opponent, Sandor the Hound approaches across the ring. hey come face to face. The crowd goes wild.

Seven years, D&D! Seven goddamn years, and you tease us like this?! The Clegane bros stare each other down for like 30 seconds. I think Gregor was staring; it’s hard to tell with his face. And then the Hound fucks off! And all at once, 12 million viewers went flaccid once more, and tuck their shriveld hype back into their trousers.

In reality, we watch Jon show Cersei a real life wight, only for her to piss off as well and Jon refuses to remain neutral in the war with Dany if she helps battle the dead. Tyrion sweet talks Cersei back into the fold, but of course that turns out to be a lie, as she insists on denying that climate change is scientifically provable to be caused by mystical ice demons, and that it will affect her and her rich friends just like everyone else. Jaime sees the crazy he’s been dicking his whole life and peaces out. His first real independent moment all year.

Up north, Sansa and Arya hold a little improv show for Littlefinger’s benefit, before listening to Bran review his recent rewatch of season 1 (promising show, would warg again!), and revealing the master manipulator’s role in Ned death, and the initiation of the entire Stark-Lannister conflict. Sansa passes the sentence, but lets Arya swing the sword. So, goodbye you glorious whispering kind of Irish but only sometimes madman.

Still thinking the Lannisters are in, Jon and Dany sail for the North to fight the Walking Dead. And seven years of fans’ fantasies and longing explodes in an Ice and Fire sex scene. Of course, we are quickly reminded (by Bran’s creepy, intrusive narration), that what we are seeing in Jon and Dany’s passionate banging, is an aunt bedding her brother’s son. And as an afterthought to this hot incest, Bran throws in another gem.

Jon Snow is not Jon Snow. Now we knew that, sort of. He’s Lyanna Stark and Rhaegar Targaryan’s son. But now, seven years in, Ned Stark’s only lie is revealed. There was a marriage. Jon is a legitimate Targaryan.

All hail, Aegon “Jon” Targaryan, the sixth of his name, son of Prince Rhaegar Targaryan, and heir to the Iron Throne.

Good luck running that past your new squeeze.

“We’re fucked.” <<<< yeah

Now, This Guy could’ve lived with that ending. A family with a history of incestuous dealings getting back on the hobby horse, for the greater good of course. But we were shown an undead dragon, and we’d like, nay, we demand more undead dragon.

Smash cut to the Wall. Tormund and Beric, chilling. Three horn blasts. White Walkers approaching! And swooping in like a bluer, spikier Daenerys, the Night King rides Viserion, shooting blue flames THROUGH the Wall, until it crumbles to a more manageable height. The army of the dead passes through, unchecked. Credits.

Now, you don’t have to be told how epic this ending is, you’ve either seen it, or you’re ridiculous for reading this without having done so. But what This Guy would like to remind you of, is one funny little tidbit.

The Night King is possibly the most powerful magic user Game Of Thrones has introduced us to. He is psychically linked to every wight he creates. He can raise hundreds from the dead at once by raising his arms. He can command an army of thousands with his thoughts. Th Night King is riding a dragon. The Night King doesn’t have to ride the dragon. But he’s riding it anyway. Just. Tops.

Overall, the season is jam packed with fan service of all kinds, but it works so damn well, and never stops being ridiculously beautiful to look at, mesmerizing to listen to, and just terribly addicting at all times. Game Of Thrones is the best show on TV, and will likely lay claim to that title next season as well. We’ve never had TV like this, and likely never will again.

This Guy Scores it: 9/10 

Wild Predictions For S8:

• Cersei’s baby kills her during childbirth. It’s born a dwarf like the brother she hates so much.

• The Hound and The Mountain sort out their differences and open a bakery across the road from Hot Pie’s.

• Tormund and Brienne get together. Their big bastard children conquer the world.

• Arya has been Syrio Forel all along.

• Dany takes Jon’s family news exceedingly well, and absolutely no strife comes of it.

• Gendry realizes he belongs on the water like the Mariner from Waterworld, and rows off into the horizon.

• Jorah is Maid of Honour at Dany and Jon’s wedding.