*WARNING: Spoilers ahead*

I feel the need to preface this article with the following two statements. One, I am a huge fan of Shane Black. His writing, from The Monster Squad to Lethal Weapon, The Long Kiss Goodnight, and The Last Boy Scout, were an enormous part of my childhood, and early film experiences. Two, despite the diminishing returns of its sequels and crossovers, I still find the Predator to be one of the best movie monsters of all time, and an absolutely stellar sci-fi creation. It has a simple lore, heavily expanded on in books and comics, but remains an absolute staple for both action and sci-fi fans alike.

That said, they sure fucked this one up.

The Predator begins with one of the ugly motherfuckers flying through space, pursued by another. He opens a portal to Earth, and soon crash lands in Mexico. Sniper McKenna (Boyd Holbrook) encounters the Predator, and escapes with some of its gear, which he mails home as insurance in case he is locked up as crazy. We soon learn the beast itself was captured by the US government, under the command of Traeger (Sterling K Brown). When it escapes, McKenna, some ragtag soldiers on a bus, a confused biologist, and McKenna’s autistic kid must work together to take the Predator down, and save the world. And then the bigger one shows up.

“You’re one beautiful motherfucker.”

I truly wanted to love this movie. It had all the ingredients for a great new instalment in the Predator mythos. So, in the spirit of fairness, on my honour as a fan, let’s start with the did-wells. The cast is perfect. Shane Black writes snappy dialogue in his sleep, and while not every joke in The Predator lands, the cast he put together sounds great playing off each other’s weirdness. Sterling K Brown is an infinitely entertaining bad guy, and Boy Holbrook has an inherent swagger that just can’t be ignored. Now, compared to the original, the cast might fall a bit short. I mean, the body mass alone; but I digress. You could make a great Predator film with these peeps. This just wasn’t it.

There’s a few great callbacks peppered throughout. Classic music cues, a few choppers, even an appearance by Jake Busey so Predator 2 isn’t totally ignored. The action is intense, and the Predator’s glory kills are swift, brutal, and occasionally creative. That said, the film’s heavy re-shoots, and rushed third act are very apparent, and the choppy editing and bad ADR make for some head-scratching transitions, and a lot of badly answered questions.

What Shane Black and Fox did wrong, was just about everything else. They took everything we know and rely on about the Pred, and just kind of chucked it away. We get new info on why they take trophies. . . turns out they’re not trophies. How they became so lethal. . . turns out they’re not that way without performance enhancing cocktails. And what they’re plans for humanity are. . . wait, why do they have plans for humanity? We’re they’re favourite quarry. That’s it; end of conversation. But nope. The Predator takes these intergalactic sports hunters and turns them into run-of-the-mill alien invaders.

“You said, ‘I dropped from my mother’s womb, and crawled through hostile territory, toward my death.’ That’s badass.”

There’s an unfortunately large subplot regarding McKenna’s autistic son (Jacob Tremblay), and how his condition may just be the next step in human evolution. This of course piques the interest of one four-mandibled tourist, and we get to envision Predator’s purposely injecting themselves with autism so they can read maps faster. It’s like some sort of reverse anti-vaxxer nightmare.

Does this all even end up with a badass one-on-one standoff between this year’s Predator and our plucky hero? Arnie went on all jungle Home Alone in the original. Danny Glover shanked the Pred that came to L.A. Even Adrian Brody got to go ham with a bone-axe. Holbrook never gets his moment to shine, and it’s unfortunate, since the final showdown is kind of necessary in a film about the ultimate hunter fighting the ultimate game. But who cares? Not the filmmakers, that’s for sure. And that is a damn shame considering Black’s deep connections to the original film. Then again, apparently he never wanted anything to do with it back then. Why would that change now? Maybe this is his desperate attempt to kill the franchise for good.

Surely the weakest Predator film (yes, we’re counting AvP and AvP:R), and certainly Shane Black’s worst script. It just makes every wrong decision possible. It’s Independence Day 2, Pacific Rim: Uprising, Alien: Covenant. It’s just every bad movie exec’s half-baked post-it note idea for a sci-fi flick, with no regard for the pedigree the film has behind it. And it has the worst, and I mean WORST final scene I’ve witnessed all year. In a two minute scene, they managed to hype me up to the point of near forgiveness for the entire train wreck of a film, and then dash those hopes away just as quickly for a quick sequel-bait closer.

This is not the Predator film we deserved.

This Guy Scores It: 4/10 Spinal Cords